Mobs, Mayhem, and Medicinal Fugue State

Every spring it happens. Every Spring without fail it happens. The attacks begin. Attacks on me. There are attacks on my children. Hell, even my kitten isn't safe! This yearly assault never surprises me, but it always makes me agitated and, in truth, really pathetic for a few days. Not only am I pathetic, the kids are miserable and pathetic. There's coughing and sneezing and germs and snot and tissues everywhere.  Noses are red and raw. I sound like I've been gargling gravel. The kids just mope around and eat whatever I have the energy to throw together for them. Not that we can taste food during this blatant and malevolent assault. OTC allergy medicines are no match for this menace. Even my insomnia is angry about this!  I can't sleep because I can't breathe but the medicine makes me really groggy and I can't focus on anything. My eyes itch so I can't draw and typing coherent thought is the greatest trial of my day, but...well...I felt like kvetching (look it up...it's Yiddish). And so here we are.

*sigh*  Every. Damn. Year. 

And every year I find myself thinking the same desperate thing.  "Why can't I just destroy all the pine trees? Why can't I protect myself and my family from these evil pollinating bastards?"  And, of course, the annoyingly rational part of my brain reminded me that pine trees are excellent for building and documents and that people would most likely be a tad upset at the mass destruction of ideal, easily replaceable lumber.  I mean, what would they make their shelves out of?   Or their chairs?!  And can you imagine the public relations fiasco it would cause?  Greenpeace nut jobs knocking down my door.  Government lobbyists would start protesting. Witty catch phrases would be created against me. Even the Christian Coalition can get in on the action since I would have eliminated their source for protest posters!  Then the lumber mills are pissed off because I have destroyed their primary source material.  Same for the paper mills.  And what would we do without paper?!  No one would be able to function.  The world would suddenly truly be paperless!!  Entire industries would be null and void (my dad's job and mine for instance).  Heavier reliance on computers begins.  Leading to great technological discoveries and a distinct decline in the activity level of adults AND children seeing as they don't have to walk to a printer anymore. Or leave the house.  Everything can be done on the computer.  If we're very lucky, nanotechnology would finally find it's true stride. The date was wrong but we would most likely see the rise of the machines! Skynet lives!! Of course there would be a hard cell of resistance leaders seeking to help save humanity and civilization from it's own folly.  These saviors would launch a series of guerrilla warfare attacks in an attempt to halt the destruction of mankind by soulless machines and computers.  In the end, I am being touted as the Antichrist and hunted by a mob with pitch forks and torches.

*sigh*

Once again, my grandiose plans for the eternal remedy to my seasonal allergy problem is thwarted by my disinclination to being dismembered by a blood thirsty mob.

-Nerdy (drugged up and suffering) Goth

P.S. If all goes well, I can be drawing again soon and, hey, at least this makes for good art fodder, right?

I Found My Parenting Barametor

Scary Mommy is a blog that I happened upon not through idle web scouring or frustration fueled parenting woes.  Nope. I found this bastion of parenting madness and mayhem by first stumbling onto her book "Confessions of a Scary Mommy" while trolling through the iTunes book store.  I was scrolling along and paused at the  title and thought, "Oh yeah. This book is totally for me." Those five simple words promised a book full of either humor and wit and familiar experiences or bare faced psychological judgement followed by self medication via alcohol. The cover art strongly insinuated the former of these two options.
I was NOT disappointed!

Jill Smokler, the creator of Scary Mommy served up a book full of personal parenting experiences that made me think equal parts "I'm not doing too badly at this whole mothering thing" and "Why do I want a daughter again?".  I found myself wanting to reach out to pat her on the shoulder in sympathy and sisterhood while I read her stories of parenting survival and adaptation and evolution.  Because let's face it: there's no manual. We are all making this shit up as we go.  She opens her book with something I will share with my readers here called the Scary Mommy Manifesto:

•               I shall maintain a sense of humor about all things motherhood, for without it, I recognize that I may end up institutionalized. Or, at the very least, completely miserable.
• I shall not judge the mother in the grocery store who, upon entering, hits the candy aisle and doles out M&M's to her screaming toddler. It is simply a survival mechanism.
• I shall not compete with the mother who effortlessly bakes from scratch, purees her own baby food, or fashions breathtaking costumes from tissue paper. Motherhood is not a competition. the only ones who lose are the ones who race the fastest.
• I shall shoot the parents of the screaming newborn on the airplane looks of compassion rather than resentment. I am fortunate to be able to ditch the kid upon landing. They, however, are not.
• I shall never ask any woman whether she is, in fact, expecting. EVER.
• I shall not question the mother who is wearing the same yoga, plants flip-flops, and t-shirt she wore to school pickup the day before. She has good reason.
• I shall never claim to know everything about children other than my own (who still remain a mystery to me).
• I shall hold the new babies belonging to friends and family, so they may shower and nap, which is all any new mother really wants.
• I shall strive to pass down a healthy body image to my daughter. She deserves a mother who loves and respects herself; stretch marks, dimples, cellulite, and all.
• I shall not preach the benefits of breast-feeding or circumcision or homeschooling or organic food or co-sleeping or crying it out to a fellow mother who has not asked my opinion. It's none of my damn business.
• I shall try my hardest to never say never, for I just may end up with a loud mouthed, bikini-clad, water gun-shooting toddler of my very own.
• I shall remember that no mother is perfect and that my children will thrive because of, and sometimes even in spite of, me.

I shared her manifesto for a few reasons. One, I want to have an easy access version of it any time I am feeling judgmental of my fellow parents.  Two, there are some parents out there that I believe need to read this and try to take some of it to heart. I don't know for sure that they will read THIS but maybe someone will point it out to them. Who knows.  Three, I hope that this can be a gateway to the scary mommy website for any struggling parents I know. You may not ever show the world that you are so stressed out you want to scream. You may have secret parenting "flaws" that you are ashamed of. Whatever it is, this website will let you know that you are not alone.

Speaking of parenting "flaws" and not feeling like you are alone, the second best part about Jill Smokler's book was the "confessions". A section of her website is dedicated to allowing parents "confess" their sins/shames/secrets/what have you's anonymously. Each chapter in her book started with selected confession from the website. Some of them had me nodding in camaraderie having bee/felt/done the exact same thing.  Some of them had me laughing until tears ran down my face.  The most important thing I felt was this: It wasn't JUST me!!

So, I read the book. I frantically searched for the second book....which isn't out yet.  THEN I visited her site.  And will visit it frequently, I am sure. The hardest part of my early days as a parent was feeling so isolated in my experiences. I felt like I had no one to talk to about the things I struggled with  or feared or felt like a failure at.

I know that, like any parent out there, I am winging it. Every day I am able to put them to bed at night healthy and whole is one more day of success in my log book as a mom.  And seeing as I am considering walking down that road from the beginning one more time, I think having a community to turn to won't be a bad thing at all.  So, I hope you will find the same sense of relief that you aren't the "only one" and something that makes you laugh because sometimes, as parents, that's all we can do. Sit back, laugh, and enjoy the ride.

-Nerdy Goth

The Miracle of Birth? ::cue uncontrollable laughter::

My oldest nephew is in the hospital today with his partner and they are awaiting the birth of their first born son, Jaxxon. I love the kid and I named one son Niko and the other with a middle name that starts with X so I can't judge, but someone somewhere someday is going to ask why the hell he chose to spell it all weird like that.  But that is all beside the point.  It got me thinking. About parenting and the miracle of child birth (yes...miracle...that's the word everyone chooses).  

I found myself thinking that pregnancy and childbirth are really just the Campbell's condensed version of the whole life long experience that is parenting. It's a trial run before the full version is installed with all the bells and whistles....and tantrums and bodily fluids.

Let me clarify.

Pregnancy and Childbirth are scary and mysterious and miraculous and joyful.  They are also messy and dangerous and really damn disgusting and gross at times. There's vomit and blood and every other possible fluid the human body can create and excrete. They expose you to things you never thought you would ever have to face without vomiting or crying (and that's not to say you won't do either/both). They show you just how strong you can be as an individual and the strength of your partner AND your partnership.  There is anxiety of how you will survive, how you will keep this baby alive, and how you won't drive the people around you completely insane in the process. They bring families together and, whether you want it or not, they shove a support system down your throat that you may initially resent but will come to love and count on.  All of this remains true once your child is brought out to the light of day. All of this will remain true for the rest of your life. 

Especially the bodily fluids and anxiety part. 

Pregnancy and delivery are exhausting. You will be tired and you will want to cry (a lot), but you will keep on going because the finish line is riiiiight there. You will wonder what is going on with this creature you are growing inside you and what the hell it is doing to your body.  Parenting is pretty much the same...except the kid is on the outside now and eventually learns to talk back. You will still keep going and trucking along because now at least you have something to appreciate your hard work, right? Right.

So, you might think that pregnancy and delivery are the simple process of incubating a tiny human for nine months and then expelling it from your exhausted body. You would be only partially correct.  Those two things are the violent and sudden bash over the head temporary concussion that will  make the sleepless nights, copious amounts of bodily fluids (I really can't stress the bodily fluids part enough....it never really stops just gets marginally less disgusting), anxiety, joy, pride, and chest bursting love mixed with heart stopping terror over the next...well...lifetime seem like the most normal and temperate thing on the face of the planet. 

It's a wild ride no matter what.  And totally worth it.

To Zack and Courtney, hold on tight, kids, and you'll be fine.

To Jaxxon, give 'em hell and you will be AMAZING.