It wasn't her fault...or mine.

 I made the mistake during my last year of college of watching a lot of true crime shows on Investigation Discovery. It became a morbid obsession. From that addiction, I developed the nagging belief that everyone in the world that I have not personally met and assessed is a potential a) rapist, b) murderer, or c) child molester. I don't let my kids play in the front yard for the fear that I will be that news story where I "turned away for a minute" and they are gone. I used to keep a very large knife mounted high on my wall next to my front door as my "home security system". I have some pretty extreme issues with crowded places and Chuck E. Cheese freaks me out just as much as it pisses me off. All that being said, the evening news stories just depress or scare the living hell out of me. Unfortunately, that means I now get most of my news from Twitter, The Weather Channel, and Elvis Duran and the Morning Show.

So, no. I hadn't heard about the recent news debacle of demonizing a rape victim and canonizing the boys that raped her in Steubenville. I did see a link posted by Scary Mommy and I went to read it at her request. She is so brave to share her story like this. 

It is not an uncommon story. I started writing this post for no other reason than to share her story with others. I didn't start writing this to be brave, but I think I have to.

Because it isn't an uncommon story.

It has varying facets, but it happens all the time.

My facet is different than hers. And it isn't something I have shared with many people.  I am 33 years old and I still have shame as I type this. But here goes.

I was 14. I was a virgin. He was much older. Met at a the street carnival for the county fair. He thought I was pretty and I was flattered....and I flirted. I flirted and he pushed my boundaries. Right up until I realized I was in over my head. He was so much bigger than me and when I wanted out of the situation, it was too late. In my head, I heard "You brought this on yourself. Just shut up so he doesn't hurt you." I couldn't tell anyone. Not in that town. Girls that flirt and get attention get what's coming to them. Even smart girls. Even straight A students. It's always the girls' fault.

But it's not. I have lived with this for a very long time because we live in a society where it is the norm to persecute the victim. We live in a society where girls are ashamed to tell anyone that something awful happened to them. It was not my fault. I was a child and he was an adult. But my fear of retribution and scorn allowed him to get away with it. My fear put someone else at risk.

Even now, I am terrified to post this because my parents never knew. I never told them. But this CANNOT continue. This environment of fear and recrimination has to stop! If my story, or her story, can help even ONE GIRL be brave enough to tell an authority what happened to her, then it is worth it. If OUR stories can dispel this gross mistreatment of victims, then my tears at writing it are worth it.

-Nerdy Goth

I love you, Mom.

I'm going to go draw a new cartoon and watch horror movies now....

I Found My Parenting Barametor

Scary Mommy is a blog that I happened upon not through idle web scouring or frustration fueled parenting woes.  Nope. I found this bastion of parenting madness and mayhem by first stumbling onto her book "Confessions of a Scary Mommy" while trolling through the iTunes book store.  I was scrolling along and paused at the  title and thought, "Oh yeah. This book is totally for me." Those five simple words promised a book full of either humor and wit and familiar experiences or bare faced psychological judgement followed by self medication via alcohol. The cover art strongly insinuated the former of these two options.
I was NOT disappointed!

Jill Smokler, the creator of Scary Mommy served up a book full of personal parenting experiences that made me think equal parts "I'm not doing too badly at this whole mothering thing" and "Why do I want a daughter again?".  I found myself wanting to reach out to pat her on the shoulder in sympathy and sisterhood while I read her stories of parenting survival and adaptation and evolution.  Because let's face it: there's no manual. We are all making this shit up as we go.  She opens her book with something I will share with my readers here called the Scary Mommy Manifesto:

•               I shall maintain a sense of humor about all things motherhood, for without it, I recognize that I may end up institutionalized. Or, at the very least, completely miserable.
• I shall not judge the mother in the grocery store who, upon entering, hits the candy aisle and doles out M&M's to her screaming toddler. It is simply a survival mechanism.
• I shall not compete with the mother who effortlessly bakes from scratch, purees her own baby food, or fashions breathtaking costumes from tissue paper. Motherhood is not a competition. the only ones who lose are the ones who race the fastest.
• I shall shoot the parents of the screaming newborn on the airplane looks of compassion rather than resentment. I am fortunate to be able to ditch the kid upon landing. They, however, are not.
• I shall never ask any woman whether she is, in fact, expecting. EVER.
• I shall not question the mother who is wearing the same yoga, plants flip-flops, and t-shirt she wore to school pickup the day before. She has good reason.
• I shall never claim to know everything about children other than my own (who still remain a mystery to me).
• I shall hold the new babies belonging to friends and family, so they may shower and nap, which is all any new mother really wants.
• I shall strive to pass down a healthy body image to my daughter. She deserves a mother who loves and respects herself; stretch marks, dimples, cellulite, and all.
• I shall not preach the benefits of breast-feeding or circumcision or homeschooling or organic food or co-sleeping or crying it out to a fellow mother who has not asked my opinion. It's none of my damn business.
• I shall try my hardest to never say never, for I just may end up with a loud mouthed, bikini-clad, water gun-shooting toddler of my very own.
• I shall remember that no mother is perfect and that my children will thrive because of, and sometimes even in spite of, me.

I shared her manifesto for a few reasons. One, I want to have an easy access version of it any time I am feeling judgmental of my fellow parents.  Two, there are some parents out there that I believe need to read this and try to take some of it to heart. I don't know for sure that they will read THIS but maybe someone will point it out to them. Who knows.  Three, I hope that this can be a gateway to the scary mommy website for any struggling parents I know. You may not ever show the world that you are so stressed out you want to scream. You may have secret parenting "flaws" that you are ashamed of. Whatever it is, this website will let you know that you are not alone.

Speaking of parenting "flaws" and not feeling like you are alone, the second best part about Jill Smokler's book was the "confessions". A section of her website is dedicated to allowing parents "confess" their sins/shames/secrets/what have you's anonymously. Each chapter in her book started with selected confession from the website. Some of them had me nodding in camaraderie having bee/felt/done the exact same thing.  Some of them had me laughing until tears ran down my face.  The most important thing I felt was this: It wasn't JUST me!!

So, I read the book. I frantically searched for the second book....which isn't out yet.  THEN I visited her site.  And will visit it frequently, I am sure. The hardest part of my early days as a parent was feeling so isolated in my experiences. I felt like I had no one to talk to about the things I struggled with  or feared or felt like a failure at.

I know that, like any parent out there, I am winging it. Every day I am able to put them to bed at night healthy and whole is one more day of success in my log book as a mom.  And seeing as I am considering walking down that road from the beginning one more time, I think having a community to turn to won't be a bad thing at all.  So, I hope you will find the same sense of relief that you aren't the "only one" and something that makes you laugh because sometimes, as parents, that's all we can do. Sit back, laugh, and enjoy the ride.

-Nerdy Goth