Monday, November 29, 2010


Now THIS is a remake I can get behind. It has blood. It has violence. It has nudity and tons of gore. It has GRATUITOUS blood and violence. It has Lovecraftian story lines. And did I mention the BLOOD?! Seriously, the brain trusts at Namco must be really ballsy and/or really angry with Hillary Clinton. They have succeeded in making a game that has everything she detests and opposes about video games. Everything we LOVE.

According to some, 8-bit will never die and the original side scroller released in 1988 was none too shabby as games of the time went. Your main character wore a very Jason-esque mask and liked to brutally kill things with both weapons and bare hands. In aspects like shear brutality and amount of gore, the 2010 remake stayed fairly true to the original. Throughout the game, you are able to find various weapons with which to pummel your enemies to their bloody demise, including the use of your own arm as a "fleshy weapon".

As you slaughter your enemies, blood coats the walls, the floor, Rick and even the screen as you kill your way through the West Mansion and other exceedingly creepy maps. One of the more interesting details was the shiny often reflective nature to the blood and the physics (and sounds) of sliding across it as you run. But, really, it wouldn't be "Splatterhouse" without copious amounts of grue and gore.

Speaking of visual enhancements, the "Terror Mask" no longer reminds me of a machete wielding psychopath running around a deserted summer camp. Designers found a new mask design that says "Hi, I am demon possessed and like long walks on the beach, beating things to death, and using blood to heal myself".

Game play has found new depths of depravity, as well. Deaths are not restricted to the standard blunt force trauma, stabbing or shooting variety. Oh no. The special kills achieved through mini games were....disturbing and gross. And they didn't get any less gross no matter how many times you saw them. -SHUDDER- Some things should never be seen outside a body.

The greatest advancement to the 2010 rendition of Splatterhouse was the story. What was once fairly loose and vague, is now a very rich and inspired tapestry. You learn more about Dr. West (and if you have ever met Herbert, you know that whole family is seriously jacked), what he was up to in that big scary house of his, and the town of Arkham as seen through the veil of Lovecraftian Mythos. Rick isn't just a parapsychology student, he is a Miskatonic University student. And Dr. West likes having students from Miskatonic visit. Jenny is still the girlfriend and the entire driving force behind the game, but she apparently likes to carry around half nude pictures of herself at all times. -SHRUG- Even the most passing fan of H.P. Lovecraft will find a lot to appreciate in the story of the new Splatterhouse.

My personal favorite revamping of this entire thing is the MASK! Once upon a time, the voice of an over inflated tutorial mode. Now, a filthy mouthed, provoking, and invasive presence through the entire game. The Terror Mask is voiced by Jim Cummings which makes it all the more surreal and hilarious. If you aren't privy, Jim Cummings was the voice of Winney the Pooh, Tigger and dozens of other childrens' cartoon personalities. So, hearing language that would make an angry drunken sailor blush with shame and KNOWING that it is Winney the Pooh kept me giggling the whole time.

Stay with me here.

Winney the Pooh telling you to rip a demon's head off and "squeeze out the jelly"?! Come on!! But more than all that, the mask is integral to the story as it unfolds and learning about what is happening to you throughout the game. No more sitting on the sidelines for the Mayan Terror Mask this time around!

Now, as much as we enjoyed this game, and we enjoyed it A LOT, we can't really suggest BUYING it. Not at full price at least. It took us about 18 hours to really wrap it up and that was with the two to three hours of arena endurance challenges for bonuses. There are collections for the OCD minded (phonographs and picture pieces) but these are easily achieved through a standard run of game play. It is 100% worth playing, but save some money, rent it on a Friday, and spend a free weekend grossing yourself out with it. You can get the full effect of the game that way without spending an excess of money.

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